Free to Fly: After the Love Is Gone by Nicole Red & Shelby Lazenby & Demitruis "motion" Bullock

Author:Nicole Red & Shelby Lazenby & Demitruis "motion" Bullock [Red, Nicole & Lazenby, Shelby & Bullock, Demitruis "motion"]
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Two Hours or More (65-100 Pages), Parenting & Relationships, Dysfunctional Relationships, United States, Abuse, Partner Abuse, Family Relationships, African American, Literature & Fiction
Amazon: B00RDIC7BC
Publisher: Street Affiliated Publishing, L.L.C.
Published: 2014-12-22T05:00:00+00:00

Chapter 14

Facing My Demons

For me, I never imagined that this could happen to me, especially being a police officer. My fairytale was really my nightmare. Leaving Ray would mean I would suddenly become a single mother, a past victim of domestic violence. There were a lot of thoughts running through my mind. I had gotten to the point where I no longer wanted to be intimate with Ray. Sex with Ray was emotionless. It was a one-sided thing, and the only one getting any pleasure from it was Ray. I would pretend, ‘fake it’, like I was enjoying it, but I wasn’t. Ray never really made love to me during all of our years together. I was just his property—something that Ray would use when he needed pleasure. He didn't care about what I wanted or what my boundaries were; and I was finally over it! I was emotionally drained, and I was tired of trying to make him happy at my own expense. He ruined lovemaking for me. He made fun of me and told his friends and family about our most intimate moments. He even told his children’s mothers about what went on in our bedroom. I realized Ray was never going to completely change. Even if Ray stopped hurting me for a little while, he would eventually do the same thing again. I believe that I would always be scared of him and would always walk on eggshells to keep the peace and avoid arguments. ‘If I don’t leave now, Ray will kill me… or worst, he will kill my children and me’. Ray had been abusive in front of the children. He embarrassed me in front of them, and they witnessed the name-calling, pushing, and shoving. So what would stop him from killing in front of them?

Although there was a chance I could spend the rest of my life alone, I didn’t care. At least I would be happy. So I decided I was going to leave. I knew it was time for me to move on and never look back. Sometimes, things happen to you that make you wonder if you are dreaming or if it’s reality. Even now, after nearly twenty years, I still ask myself if it really, truly happened. But the reality is that it did. All this time has passed, and it’s still difficult for me to think about all that I have been through. And the fact that I didn’t stop it sooner, made it worst. I didn’t expect for the man I married to become a tyrant so soon after the start of the relationship. What made it even more difficult was that I knew if I said something, few people would believe me. After all, I was a police officer. Being a victim went against everything that society believed that a police officer was supposed to be and do. My life was forever changed. The woman I once was is gone and will never come back. Once I was able to get past the initial shock of it, it all set in; I had to leave.

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